


KARKAT VANTAS'S GUIDE TO SAFE SEX WITH ALIENS

by mercurialMalcontent



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Other, Where grubs come from, Xenobiology, the flapcreatures and the buzzbeasts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-17
Updated: 2012-02-17
Packaged: 2017-10-31 08:13:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/341890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mercurialMalcontent/pseuds/mercurialMalcontent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>IT HAS RECENTLY COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT INTERSPECIES RELATIONS ARE RAPIDLY DEVOLVING INTO SLOPPY MAKEOUTS THAT THREATEN TO BECOME DISGUSTINGLY MORE INTIMATE. IN AN EFFORT TO KEEP YOU IDIOTS FROM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT OVER WEIRD XENOBIOLOGY AND EMBARRASSING EVERYONE IN THE WORST WAYS POSSIBLE, I HAVE COMPILED THIS GUIDE, WHICH SHOULD BE SHORT ENOUGH THAT EVEN THOSE OF YOU WITH THE ATTENTION SPANS OF SMALL INSECTS SHOULD BE ABLE TO READ IT ALL IN ONE SITTING.</p>
            </blockquote>





	KARKAT VANTAS'S GUIDE TO SAFE SEX WITH ALIENS

**KARKAT VANTAS’S GUIDE TO SAFE SEX WITH ALIENS**

_OR: HOW TO GET YOUR FREAK ON WITH FREAKS WITHOUT EMBARRASSING YOURSELF IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE_

 

****READING THIS MEMO IS MANDATORY****

 

IT HAS RECENTLY COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT INTERSPECIES RELATIONS ARE RAPIDLY DEVOLVING INTO SLOPPY MAKEOUTS THAT THREATEN TO BECOME DISGUSTINGLY MORE INTIMATE. IN AN EFFORT TO KEEP YOU IDIOTS FROM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT OVER WEIRD XENOBIOLOGY AND EMBARRASSING EVERYONE IN THE WORST WAYS POSSIBLE, I HAVE COMPILED THIS GUIDE, WHICH SHOULD BE SHORT ENOUGH THAT EVEN THOSE OF YOU WITH THE ATTENTION SPANS OF SMALL INSECTS SHOULD BE ABLE TO READ IT ALL IN ONE SITTING.

DID I MENTION THAT READING THIS GUIDE IS MANDATORY? BECAUSE IT IS. EVEN FOR YOU, EQUIUS, I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE TO ALCHEMIZE A MILLION SHITTY TOWELS TO DEAL WITH IT.

 

**BASIC GUIDELINES**

  1. KEEP YOUR COOL. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK HOW WEIRD YOU THINK SOME PART OF SOMEONE ELSE IS, SHRIEKING AND RUNNING AWAY LEADS TO MORTIFICATION, NOT LEAST OF ALL MINE WHEN I HAVE TO COMFORT THE GODDAMNED BLUBBERING PANSY YOU LEFT BEHIND.

  2. KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF. YOU’RE NOT THINKPAN DAMAGED WIGGLERS, THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOU NOT TO PUT YOUR WINDHOLES TO THE FUNCTION OF USING YOUR FUCKING WORDS BEFORE YOUR GET YOUR GRUBBY NUBS ALL OVER SOMEONE ELSE’S BODYPARTS, NO MATTER HOW INNOCENT THOSE BODYPARTS MAY SEEM TO BE. THIS MEANS NO MORE REPEATS OF LAST WEEK’S HORN MOLESTATION INCIDENT, STRIDER.

  3. KEEP IT PRIVATE. NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOUR GROSS CUTESY NAMES OR WATCH YOU HUMPING ON THE COUCH (AND IF YOU’RE INTO VOYUERISM THAT’S YOUR OWN FUCKING PROBLEM). MOST ESPECIALLY NO FUCKING ONE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT FLUIDS SEEPED FROM YOUR CARCASSES BECAUSE YOU LEFT STAINS ON THE SOFA.




 

ALL RIGHT, NOW FOR THE SORDID DETAILS. AGAIN, BECAUSE YOU MORONS NEVER LISTEN THE FIRST TIME, I EXPECT YOU TO READ THIS ENTIRE THING, BECAUSE GOD KNOWS SOME OF YOU DON’T HAVE MORE THAN HALF A CLUE ABOUT YOUR OWN BODIES, MUCH LESS ANYONE ELSE’S.

 

**TROLL SEXUAL BIOLOGY**

  1. YES, THE HORNS ARE A THING, FOR SOME OF US MORE THAN OTHERS. I KNOW THEY’RE RIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN BEING OH-SO-TEMPTING, BUT YOU DON’T FUCKING TOUCH UNLESS YOU ASK OR ARE ASKED, AND YOU’D BETTER BE PREPARED TO BE A GODDAMNED GENTLEMAN AND GET THE OTHER PERSON OFF.

  2. YES, WE HAVE CHEST NUBS TOO. NO, I DON’T KNOW WHY, SO STOP ASKING. NO, YOU CANNOT TOUCH WITHOUT ASKING ANY MORE THAN YOU CAN WITH OUR HORNS, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

  3. BULGES AND NOOKS: LEARN THEM AND LOVE THEM, BECAUSE WE’VE ALL GOT THEM.

  4. ALL OF OUR BODILY SECRETIONS ARE TINTED OUR BLOOD COLOR. **** _EVEN THAT ONE._

  5. **DON’T ASK ABOUT PAILS.** THIS MEANS YOU, JOHN EGBERT. THEY ARE NOT HOT, EXCITING, OR EVEN INTERESTING. THEY ARE A FETISIZED OBJECT OF OUR DEAD CULTURE THAT MOST OF US WOULD RATHER FORGET, BECAUSE BEING REMINDED OF THE DRONES IS AN INSTANT MOODKILLER IF NOT A WEEKS-LONG BONERKILL.




 

**HUMAN SEXUAL BIOLOGY**

  1. THAT INDENTATION ON HUMAN ABDOMENS IS NOT AN ORIFICE OF ANY SORT, MUCH LESS A SEXUAL ONE. THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN PROD IT WITH YOUR FROND WITHOUT ASKING BECAUSE WHAT DID I FUCKING SAY ABOUT KEEPING YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF.

  2. HUMANS ARE SEXUALLY DIMORPHOUS BELOW THE BELT, SO DON’T GO UNDRESSING ONE EXPECTING TO SEE THE SAME EQUPIMENT AS YOU HAVE. THEY PRETTY MUCH GET EITHER A BULGE  _OR_  A NOOK, AND IF THAT’S GOING TO BE A HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT ASK BEFORE YOU UNDRESS.

  3. NOOK-EQUIPPED HUMANS HAVE A NUB WHERE A BULGE WOULD BE. NO, IT WON’T TELESCOPE OUT NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU ASK.

  4. IF YOU JUST CAN’T GET OVER YOUR HUMAN FUCKBUDDY NOT HAVING SOMETHING TO THRUST UP YOUR NOOK, ALCHEMIZE A SHAME STICK AND DEAL WITH IT BECAUSE YOUR SEXUAL HANGUPS ARE NOT MY GODDAMNED JURISDICTION.

  5. IF YOU CAN’T GET OVER YOUR HUMAN FUCKBUDDY NOT HAVING A NOOK FOR YOU TO THRUST UP INTO, YOU’D BETTER GODDAMNED WELL ASK IF YOU GET THE BRIGHT IDEA TO STICK YOUR BULGE INTO ANY OF THEIR OTHER ORIFICES. YES VRISKA, I HEARD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED LAST TUESDAY.

  6. BULGE-EQUIPPED HUMANS HAVE THIS SAC DANGLING BEHIND THEIR BULGES. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,  **DON’T SQUEEZE IT.**




 

HOPEFULLY NOW THAT YOU’VE READ THIS GUIDE YOU GET THE GIST OF IT ENOUGH TO AVOID DOING SERIOUS PHYSICAL OR MENTAL HARM TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS. IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, RE-READ THIS GUIDE UNTIL YOU FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF BECAUSE I HAVE ALREADY HEARD WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT THE INTIMATE DETAILS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS AND AM NOW SCARRED FOR LIFE. NICE GOING, ASSHOLES.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [KARKAT VANTAS'S GUIDE TO SAFE SEX WITH ALIENS [PODFIC]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/511266) by [Opalsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/pseuds/Opalsong)
  * [[Podfic] Podfication 2016 Live Performances](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11162601) by [argentumlupine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/argentumlupine/pseuds/argentumlupine), [bessyboo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bessyboo/pseuds/bessyboo), [blackglass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackglass/pseuds/blackglass), [cantarina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cantarina/pseuds/cantarina), [Lunate8](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunate8/pseuds/Lunate8), [miss_marina95](https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_marina95/pseuds/miss_marina95), [Opalsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/pseuds/Opalsong), [paraka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/paraka/pseuds/paraka), [reena_jenkins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/reena_jenkins/pseuds/reena_jenkins), [RevolutionaryJo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RevolutionaryJo/pseuds/RevolutionaryJo)




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